- Come here. - What?
- Good morning, Mrs. Staples. - Good morning, madam.
Late! Late!
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
- Fuck! Right, we take yours. - It only goes 40 miles an hour.
What turn-off?
- Better not be the B359. - It's the B359.
Fuck it!
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuckity fuck!
Bugger.
Hello, Charles.
There's a greatness to your lateness.
It's not achieved without real suffering.
I am so sorry.
I'll be killing myself after the service, if that's any consolation.
- Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by. - Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.
Disastrous haircut.
- You haven't forgotten the rings? - No.
Hate people being late. Hate it.
Here we go.
Oh, isn't she lovely!
Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue.
Dear friends, what a joy it is to welcome you to our church
on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura.
Before we start the service, let us all join together in the first hymn.
Scarlett.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God
and in the face of this congregation
to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,
which is an honourable estate, instituted in the time of man's innocency.
Back in a sec.
If any man can show any just cause or impediment
why they may not be lawfully joined together,
let him speak now or for ever hold his peace.
Do you promise to love her, comfort her,
honour and keep her, in sickness and in health,
and, forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her
- for as long as ye both shall live? - I do.
To love and to cherish
- till death us do part. - till death us do part.
- And thereto I pledge thee my troth. - And thereto I pledge thee my troth.
Do you have the ring?
- With this ring, I thee wed. - With this ring, I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods I do thee endow.
And with all my worldly goods I thee endow.
'lf I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
I am become as sounding brass, or a clanging cymbal.'
Good point.
- Great hat. - Thanks. I bought it specially.
There.
Right. Get in position, please.
Thank you. Smile.
- Splendid, I thought. What did you think? - I thought splendid. What did you think?
Splendid, I thought.
Scarlotta, fabulous dress!
The ecclesiastical purple and the pagan orange
symbolising the symbiosis in marriage
between the heathen and Christian traditions?
That's right.
Lovely. And again.
- Any idea who the girl in the black hat is? - Name's Carrie.
- She's pretty. - American.
Interesting.
Slut.
Really?
Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.
Only goes out with very glamorous people.
Quite out of your league.
Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
- See you there. - Off you go.
Right. Reception.
Bye!
Anyone else tread in a cowpat?
No, thought not. See you in a mo.
Do you think I'd hate him as much if he wasn't my brother?
Don't want to blow my chances for romance by smelling of dung.
I never know what to say in these wretched line-ups.
It's a cinch. Just give a big, warm hug and say the bride looks pregnant.
- Or go for 'you must be very proud'. - Heaven preserve us.
- You must be very proud. - Indeed.
- Hello. - Hello.
Hello.
Hi. We've met. It's Richard Maples.
Bastard.
Hello, Bern.
Two, please.
- You have fun. - Take care.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Do you want one of these? - Thank you.
- I... - Hello, Charles.
Hello, dear John. How are you? How are you?
- Good. This is... - Carrie.
- Delighted. I'm John. - Hi, John.
- How's your gorgeous girlfriend? - She's no longer my girlfriend.
Ah, dear. I wouldn't get too gloomy about it.
Rumour has it she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle in case you didn't work out.
She is now my wife.
Excellent. Congratulations.
Excuse me.
Any kids or anything, John?
Do we hear the patter of tiny feet?
No.
Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there? No hurry.
Hi. How are you?
- My name's Fiona. - I'm Gerald.
- What do you do? - I'm training to be a priest.
Good Lord!
- Do you do weddings? - No, not yet.
I will, of course. Jolly nerve-racking.
Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.
Well, I suppose so.
Though rather less messy, of course, and far less call for condoms.
How're you doing?
Remember the time you started Dad's boat...
...and the propeller cut my leg to shreds?
This is worse.
- Who's that boy over there in the grey? - His name's David.
Something of a dish, isn't he?
Well, I've always thought so.
- Why are they...? - The dish can't hear.
Gosh.
Yeah, silent but deadly attractive.
Bang, bang, bang. That's it.
Into the marquee, please. Dinner is served.
- How do you do? - Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you.
Very exciting.
Hi.
My name's Scarlett. Don't let me drink too much cos I'll get really flirty.
- How do you do? My name's Charles. - Don't be ridiculous.
- Charles died 20 years ago. - Must be a different Charles, I think.
Are you telling me I don't know my own brother?
No.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your desserts.
There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man.
This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time.
The couple in question are at least still talking to me.
Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other.
The divorce came through a couple of months ago.
But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech.
The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise,
but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence
that became their two-day marriage.
Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus.
There are no skeletons in his cupboard.
Or so I thought.
I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this.
I am,
as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment
that Angus and Laura have made today.
I know I couldn't do it and
I think it's wonderful they can.
So, back to Angus and those sheep.
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses.
The adorable couple.
I remember the first time I saw Gareth dancing.
I feared lives would be lost.
She's a pretty girl - the one you can't take your eyes off.
Is it love at first sight?
Good Lord, no! It's the bloke she's dancing with.
I played rugby with him at school. I'm wondering what position he played.
Though, let's say, for the sake of argument,
one did take a fancy to someone at a wedding.
Do you think there really are people who can say
'Hi, babe. My name's Charles. This is your lucky night'?
- Well, if there are, they're not English. - Quite.
Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum.
You know I love you, Jean, don't you? I love you. I love you.
And, Mike, I've never met you before, but I love you very much. I really do.
Ignore her. She's drunk.
At least I hope she is. Otherwise, I'm in real trouble.
- How's it going, Lyds? - Bloody awful.
Oh, dear! What's the prob?
I was promised sex. Everybody said it.
'You be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex. You'll be fighting them off.'
But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Well, I mean, if you fancy anything,
- I could always... - Don't be ridiculous, Bernard.
- I'm not that desperate. - No, right. Of course.
Fair enough. It's a good point.
Bye!
Have a lovely time! Bye!
Where are you staying tonight, Charles?
Scarlett and I are at some pub. The Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?
No. Slight change of plan.
The others are coming back to my place. Nansy's in residence.
Might knock us up a plate of eggs and bake over a late-night Scrabble.
- I wondered if you'd like to join. - Yeah! Thanks very much.
- Is there room for Scarlett? - Absolutely.
137 rooms, actually.
Right. Tommy, are you the richest man in England?
No!
I believe we're about seventh.
The Queen, obviously, and that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.
Well, excellent news. I'll go and tell Scarlett.
Yeah.
That's unless you get lucky first.
Hi.
Hi. I thought you'd gone.
No, not yet. I was just wondering where you were staying tonight.
Well...
I was staying at some pub called The Lucky...
- The Boat or something like that. - Boatman.
Right. But now I'm going to stay at some friends' house
with some friends.
Well, I think 'enormous castle' is a more accurate description.
That's too bad, because I'm at The Boatman.
Well, it was nice not quite meeting you.
- It was a great speech. - Thanks.
- Well, I'm going now. - No! No, no. Don't go. We can meet now.
- The evening's just getting going. - We both know that's a big lie.
Fuck.
The castle beckons, Tom. Are you sober?
Absolutely. Orange juice all night.
Come on.
Bye, everybody!
All together now.
Bernard!
Tom, can you stop the car?
Stop the car.
Sorry. I just think I might stay in that pub after all.
Why on earth...?
No, seriously. I'm doing some research into pubs with the word 'boat' in the title.
- Oh, well. Please yourself. - It's a silly thing.
Right.
Odd decision.
Hello.
- Hi. - Hi.
In the end there wasn't room for all of us.
You said it was a castle.
Yes, it is a castle. It's just a very, very small one.
Tiny, in fact. Just one up, one down, which is rare.
Drink, sir?
Yeah. I'd like a glass of whisky, please.
- Do you want...? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Another for the lady. - Doubles, sir?
Thanks.
You here, too? How are you?
- Hello. I'm fine. - Haven't seen Carrie, have you?
- Who? - Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs.
Wedding guest. Nice smell.
- No. Sorry. - Damn!
Blast! I think I was in there.
If you do see her, could you tell her I've gone to my room?
Yeah.
- Your whisky, sir. - Thank you.
- And one for the... - Road. Lovely.
I think I might have one of those. Do you mind if I join you?
- No. It'd be lovely. - Another glass of whisky and a cigar.
Hold on. Make that a bottle. We might as well settle in, eh?
Let's see if we can push on till dawn.
- Lovely wedding. - Yes.
I was at school with his brother Bufty. Tremendous bloke.
He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless.
Still, it taught me about life.
Where do you know him from?
- University. - Splendid.
Splendid. Yep.
I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point.
When you work in the money markets, what use is Wordsworth, eh?
Excuse me, sir. Your wife says could you come upstairs at once?
Room 12, in case you're so drunk you can't remember.
- My wife? - Yes, sir.
My wife!
God! You are drunk if you can't remember you've got a wife.
Yeah...
- Do you mind if I... - No, no. Off you go. Best of luck.
Lucky bachelor, me. I'll have another search for that Katie creature.
- Carrie. - That's the one. Damn fine filly.
I think I'm in there.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Sorry about that. - He was hard to get rid of.
Yeah.
So...
Maybe we could just skulk around here for a bit and then go back down.
That's a thought. I don't usually skulk,
but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required.
Do you skulk regularly?
No. No, I don't normally think of myself as a skulker but...
Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while and we'll see?
I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church, which is kind of strange.
Where I come from, kissing is very big.
Is it? Well, I think you're right. We are probably more reserved.
'You may kiss the bride' isn't actually in the Book of Common Prayer.
I always worry I'll go too far in the heat of the moment.
How far do you think too far would be?
I don't know.
Maybe
that would be all right.
- I think that would be fine. - In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.
Maybe this
might be better.
Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further.
I mean...
That might be taking it a little far.
What about this?
Do you think the vicar would think things had slipped a little out of his control?
I think he might. This kind of thing is really better suited to the honeymoon
than to the service itself.
Why do you think it's called a honeymoon?
I don't know. I suppose it's 'honey' cos it's sweet as honey
and 'moon' because it was the first time
a husband got to see his wife's bottom.
What's happening?
I have to go.
- Where? - America.
That is a tragedy.
Just before I go,
when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Sorry. Whose engagement?
Ours.
I assumed since we slept together and everything, we'd be getting married.
What did you think?
I...
Gosh! You know, that takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing.
Obviously, I'm... I...
You're joking.
God! For a moment there I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.
You were Glenn Close and I was gonna find my pet rabbit on the stove.
No.
But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.
Bye.
Three months later
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuckity fuck!
Fuck!
- Car or taxi? - Taxi. We could never park.
Car seems a good idea.
- Fuck! - Fuck!
Leave it. No one will notice.
Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Yeah... Who is it today?
One more, please.
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Let us pray.
Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery,
a symbol of Christ's love for his church.
Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat...
Ghost.
One God, for ever and ever.
Amen.
It's his first time. He's a family friend.
Bernard and Lydia,
I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage.
Bernard, repeat after me.
- I do solemnly declare... - I do solemnly declare...
that I know not of any lawful impediment...
why I, Lydia...
why I, Bernard...
Sorry.
why I, Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney...
why I, Bernard Geoffrey St. John Delaney...
may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Hibbott.
may not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Hibbott.
Lydia, repeat after me.
- I do solemnly declare... - I do solemnly declare...
that I know not of any lawful impediment...
why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
may not be johned in matrimony...
may not be joined in matrimony...
to Bernard Geoffrey Sidd... Siddun... Delaney.
to Bernard Geoffrey St. John Delaney.
I call upon those persons here present to witness...
that I, Bernard...
Delaney...
that I, Bernard Delaney...
do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
to be my awful wedded wife.
to be my lawful wedded wife.
That's ri... That's right.
May Almighty God bless you all.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spigot... Spirit.
Amen.
Bravo!
Thanks.
Coming, Bernie!
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
That way?
Sorry. Could you two...? Sorry.
Sorry!
I've got a new theory about marriage.
Two people are in love, they live together, and one day they run out of conversation.
Totally. They can't think of a single thing to say to each other.
That's it. Panic.
Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
- Which is? - He'll ask her to marry him.
Brilliant!
They've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
So it's just a way out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
The definitive icebreaker.
- Tom! How's the speech coming along? - It's pretty good, I think.
Something for everyone. Tears, laughter...
- Excellent. - It's a very good theory, Gareth.
There is another argument, of course, that it has something to do with true love.
Well, there's a thought.
- Can I help you, sir? - Can I have three brandies, please?
Hi.
Hello!
- How are you? - Fine!
Sorry. I'm overwhelmed to see you.
Look, don't go back to America. Please.
- I'll be back in two secs, OK? - OK.
Hi, Fi.
Those are yours. See you in five hours.
- Something happened? - It has. This is a bloody great wedding.
Hi.
Well, you look perfect. In fact, you probably are perfect.
- How are you? - I'm really well.
Charles, I'd like you to meet Hamish, my fiancé.
Excellent.
How do you do, Hamish? Delighted to meet you.
Charming surprise to find Carrie back.
Took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.
Darling, I told James I was going to get you.
He'll think I've totally lost control of you already.
I'll see you later.
How are you doing, Charles?
Not great, actually, suddenly.
I don't know...
I mean, what the hell's going on here?
Why am I always at weddings and never actually getting married, Matt?
It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.
Or it could also be cos you haven't met the right girl.
But you see, is that it?
Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time.
- Maybe it's me. - Nonsense.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, dinner is served.
Come on. Odds on, you meet your wife at dinner.
Yes.
Oh, my God!
Charles?
- Hi. - Hello. I'm Alistair.
Great.
- I believe you know Veronica. - Yeah. Hi, Vee. Hi.
Nicki.
Great.
Tell me, are you married?
No.
- Are you a lesbian? - Good Lord!
What made you say that?
It's one of the possibilities for unmarried girls.
It is a bit more interesting than saying 'just never found the right chap'.
- Quite right. Why be dull? - Thank you.
The truth is, I have met the right person, only he's not in love with me.
And until I stop loving him no one else stands a chance.
- Bad luck. - Yes, isn't it?
I was a lesbian once at school, but only for 15 minutes.
I don't think it counts.
There are 400 different kinds of tea,
and that's not including all these so-called fruit teas.
I took Veronica out to India at Christmas to look at the plantations.
- You and her went there once. - That's right.
Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.
- Trying to cheer you up. - You're that Veronica!
Which Veronica? Charlie?
- Remember Bombay? - When Charles and I were going out,
he told me he'd had this interesting journey round India
with Vomiting Veronica. I think that was it.
I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe I did.
Come on, Charles. I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet.
- That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it? - It is not.
I remember you going on about this girl Helena
- whose mother made a pass at you. - I remember this.
You couldn't work out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances.
That's right. Mrs. Piggy. Helena was Miss Piggy,
so her mother was Mrs. Piggy!
I think perhaps it was a...
We've both lost a lot of weight since then.
Great! The speeches.
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.
When Bernard told me he was getting engaged to Lydia,
I congratulated him because all his other girlfriends were such complete dogs.
Although may I say how delighted we are to have so many of them here today.
I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla, who many of you will remember
as the first person Bernard asked to marry him.
If I remember rightly, she told him to sod off.
And lucky for Lydia that she did.
It's very disappointing.
We had the most adorable girl at our table called Carrie.
Apparently her fiancé's awfully grand and he owns half of Scotland.
- How are you? - I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.
Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.
If I meet Henrietta, the horror will be complete.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, Hen. How are you?
Hen...
Why can't you leave her alone? Haven't you hurt her enough?
Excuse me. I think I'd better be where other people are not.
Hello.
I'm S-e-r-e-n-a.
Hello.
I'm just learning.
I'm probably naking tols of nistakes.
No - perfect. Perfect.
Would you like to dance?
That would be... mice.
Taxi!
Good night, sir.
It's all right. Oh, God! This is wonderful.
Wait a minute. This is no fun. I want to see my lovely husband.
Who's a very bad bridegroom indeed?
- Have you got a boyfriend? - Yes.
- What's his name? - Dolph. He's good at table tennis.
- What about you? - No. Afraid not.
Why not?
Don't know.
Because most of the blokes I fancy think I'm stupid and pointless,
so they just bonk me and then leave me,
and the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips.
I can't even be bothered to bonk them,
which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.
What's bonking?
Well, it's kind of like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.
So good!
- I love my wife! - And I love my husband!
- Do you think we'd better get back? - We could just wait a few minutes
and have another go.
Naughty little rabbit!
Found it.
Charles! Charles, we must talk.
Right.
The thing is, Charlie, I've spoken to lots of people about you.
Everybody agrees you're in real trouble, Charles.
Am I?
You see, you're turning into a kind of serial monogamist.
One girlfriend after another, yet you never really let anyone near you.
On the contrary...
You're affectionate to them and sweet to them.
Even to me, although you thought I was an idiot.
- I did not. - You did.
- I thought U2 was a type of submarine. - In a way, you were right.
- Their music has a naval quality. - Be serious, Charles.
Give people a chance. You don't have to think 'l must get married',
but you mustn't start relationships thinking 'l mustn't get married'.
Most of the time I don't think at all. I just potter along.
Charlie!
Oh, God! The way you used to look at me!
I just misread it, that's all.
I thought you were going to propose
and you were just working out how to leave.
- No, I wasn't. - Oh, God, this is ridiculous.
Hen...
- Having a good night? - Yes.
It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.
- I thought you'd gone. - No. Hamish took the Edinburgh sleeper.
I'm off now. Keep me company?
Here, please.
You want to come up for a nightcap?
- You sure? - Well, yes. I think we can risk it.
I'm pretty sure I can resist you. You're not that cute.
Sorry... Yeah, great.
Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up.
One month later
What are you up to today?
Oh, yeah...
I'm taking advantage of the fact that, for the first time in my entire life,
it's Saturday and I don't have a wedding to go to.
All I have to do is not be late for David.
I was going to go for a job.
This new shop called Spank wants a sales assistant. I think I'd be great.
- They sell all this funny rubber stuff. - No...
Another wedding invitation, and a list. Lovely!
They say rubber's mainly for perverts.
Don't know why. I think it's very practical, actually.
You spill anything on it and it just comes off.
That could be why the perverts like it.
You all right?
Yeah.
It's that girl Carrie. You remember, the...
The American.
Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.
- Do you have the wedding list for Banks? - Certainly, sir.
Lots of beautiful things for around about the £1,000 mark.
What about things around the sort of £50 mark? Is there much?
Well, you could get that Pygmy warrior over there.
This? Excellent!
If you could find someone to chip in the other 3,950.
Or our carrier bags are £1 .50 each.
Why don't you just get 33 of them?
Well, I think I'll probably leave it.
Thanks very much.